My testimony of healing from ME
1 January 1991
Just before the Christmas of 1990, my illness had begun to reach a crisis point. I had to return home to live with my parents, as I was no longer able to look after myself. No matter what treatment I tried, my health deteriorated. There seemed to be no prospect of my returning to teaching or resuming any kind of normal life in the near future. I remember thinking at the time that I could not see the point in living if this were to be my existence. I felt utterly broken. I had come to the end of myself and had no resources left. It was then in complete desperation that I surrendered myself totally to God and from that position of absolute weakness, I asked him to heal me. It was like falling backwards. It seemed a tremendous risk, but I had to believe that God would catch me, and he did. In handing myself completely over to him, he was able to transform my situation.
A few months earlier I had attended a respite week in Dorset for M.E. sufferers. During that week I became aware that various forms of meditation were becoming popular among M.E. sufferers. Consequently, that is when I began to read Open to God. In her book, Joyce Huggett addresses some of the ‘barriers and blocks’ to a deeper prayer life, offering practical guidance on how to be open to God. The book contains a series of meditations to help the individual ‘unearth for themselves the treasures which are buried in the Bible and hidden in their own hearts’. As I began to read this book, I felt that God was saying to me that Joyce had the answer to my M.E. As I had never ‘heard’ from God before, I thought that this must be wishful thinking. At that time, Joyce and her husband David were leaders at my church, though I didn’t really know either of them.
Shortly after that dreadful Christmas in 1990 and the prospect of an even worse New Year, I felt that God was prompting me to attend a parish weekend. This seemed ridiculous to me as I felt too ill and would probably have to spend most of the time in bed. However, I knew that I was meant to go. Gradually, pieces of God’s immense jigsaw began to fit together. During the first session on prayer led by David and Joyce we were encouraged to ‘tune in’ to what God was saying to each of us. It was rather like finding the right frequency of a particular station on the radio. Before this session, everything seemed so scrambled that I couldn’t hear God, nor did I even know on what frequency to look for him! But suddenly it became very clear. The communication lines between myself and God were open. Was I going mad? Did people really hear voices? I could clearly hear God saying that I had suffered long enough, that he wanted to heal me and that I should approach Joyce for prayer. I was reluctant to do this because I felt embarrassed and would have to overcome a considerable amount of pride to ask for help in this way. Consequently, I tried to ignore the message although it was very persistent. On Sunday, during the final session, God repeated this message with even greater clarity and volume, adding that I would then be free to go and tell others about him. It was now impossible to ignore this message, so I submitted.
As Joyce and another member of the church prayed and laid hands on me, I could feel the power of God’s healing love sweeping right throughout my body. It felt as if plugs had been removed from my feet and all the ‘bad’ M.E. blood was draining out of me, being purified and transfused. And in flowed the golden liquid presence of God’s love. It was awesome. I had personally experienced God and now knew beyond doubt that he existed. As Joyce held me with my head cradled against her chest, I could identify with the Christ-child secure in Mary’s arms bound by the love of God. It was the first time that I had really experienced God’s love and I felt totally secure in his arms.
Shortly afterwards, I went to lie down in my room. I was moved to heart-felt tears that God should want to heal me; that I was worthy of experiencing such depths of God’s love and power; and I began to remember the words of the song ‘Such Love’.
Not only was I instantly better, but my faith had come alive. Shortly afterwards I wrote:
I can now see God’s plan for me. I had to be broken down through M.E. in order to finally accept Him as my personal Saviour. This was the only way I would listen. God did not inflict this illness on me, but allowed it to happen because he had something very special and deep to share with me. I was then malleable like the potter’s clay and could begin to be moulded in His image. My illness was not therefore, ‘God’s ultimate punishment’ as I had sometimes referred to it, but the ultimate learning experience where He would take me on a journey so that I could experience the full reality of Him.
My life seems so much richer now, and I gain great pleasure from the simple things in life which before my illness I had taken for granted. I have been set free from my goldfish bowl existence, I am no longer an envious spectator but a full participant able to venture into the world outside again.
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Extracts from my book Can God Help M.E?, written shortly after my healing from M.E. in January 1991.
